I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
