The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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