if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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