Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize