Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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