You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
