i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
