I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
