You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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