A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
