Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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