Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
