I bet he comes in French.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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