I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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