Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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