I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
