hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
