I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
