I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
