I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize