the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
