I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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