Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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