Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
