Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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