i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
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