I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
