Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
