do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
