Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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