I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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