life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
