i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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