you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
