32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
