my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
