I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
