your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
