Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
