Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
