Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
