at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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