If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
