tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
