No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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