Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
