there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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