Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
