the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
