I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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