i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
