Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
