was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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