I think i peed on brittanys purse
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I want her autograph on my taint
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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