i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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