God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
