i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
