I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
