Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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