Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
