I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
someone owes me an orgasm
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
