Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize