I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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