Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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