i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
