Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
