we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
