dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
